I am exhausted. Everyday and every night I am either fighting to ignore the voices or act like I can’t see a blacked out figure who can move towards me. If I look away I see faces, animals all surrounded by a dimmed light. I have never been afraid, if I see the images, the voices can go silent for a while (honestly it’s a blessing, shouting in your head all day is not great).
However, the other night changed everything. I don’t feel safe anymore; but I can’t work out if I don’t feel safe from myself or from what I am seeing.
Let me explain!
So the other night my boyfriend and I were in bed. He was lying on the left side of the bed, myself on the right with my dog cuddled up to me in the middle of us. I was trying to avoid the figure standing by my door, when I looked up at my boyfriend and noticed his head was up and staring at me. At first I thought he had just woken up to see if I was okay, I mean I know he worries about me. Anyway, as I stared back at him. I noticed his eyes were black, he had such a weird smirk on his face, not to sound cliché it was on the verge on demonic. I even said what are you looking at. When he didn’t respond but was still staring at me, I reached my hand out, I was planning on tapping his face so he would stop staring. But when I went to do this my hand went through his face. So I sat up and properly looked at my boyfriend who was sound asleep.
It sounds like a scene that would happen in a horror doesn’t it. Honestly I can lie anymore I am afraid of my visions/hallucinations; whatever you want to call them. I’m wary of everything I see. Is it real? Is it not.
So yes I’m exhausted. And feel my medication is no longer helping. I’m getting annoyed with my mental health team lately. They are “fixated” on my improvements. But when I tell them I’m seeing things, the voices are getting louder. I just get told to take my meds because I have been able to go out, I have been coming to my meetings. I have been improving. Yes I have improved in some things. I can go out with my “safe” people but what about me seeing things? What about my voices getting louder? Should I just continue taking my medication and ignore it?
I know I have to fight, I have to make them see that this is a problem. But do you ever just feel like. What’s the point?, I’m to exhausted to keep trying. So many things come to mind. So I ask you my readers, have you experienced this with your mental health team. Do they fixate on one thing and ignore the others?
Remember you are not alone, if you see or hear things, never let anyone tell you that you are lying, you are attention seeking. Because they can be scary and make you feel alone. But you aren’t. Just remember that