If you suffer with borderline personality disorder you will be well aware that unstable relationships are unfortunately involved in your life. To top it off, we usual end up sabotaging these relationships. It can be hard to get into serious relationships because of this. If you find the person that understands you mental illness then honestly don’t let them go.
I’ll let you in on my relationship and even though I love him, I still am nervous that eventually I’ll mess up, I’ll sabotage it, I’ll push him away. I know these are thoughts in my head but they can be/feel so strong a lot of the time I can’t cope with the stress of it.
Sabotage is the one I am most conscious of, however, I don’t notice I’ve done it until the words have come out my mouth or I have read over the text I just sent to him. I know my worst trait when it comes to this is, I constantly question/assume he will treat me like my abusive ex did if I do something my ex didn’t like. It’s horrible I know, I hate that my mind even puts this amazing man in the same thought of my ex.
Because I was raped by my ex I feel like I will push him away, because I didn’t even realise; I can go a long time without sex. I hate that, sex shouldn’t be a scary thing, it shouldn’t be something you have to get the courage to do, or be drunk to do it. I always think, what man would be in a serious relationship with someone who doesn’t want sex?
I always over think that he will eventually get annoyed with me because I am constantly putting myself down, comparing myself to others, telling him I’m not worthy, that I still want to die even though I have him. As I can’t regulate my emotions I can find it hard to understand others and I go straight to he is angry, he is sad, he is disappointed, he doesn’t love me anymore. Honestly half the time it is so hard. My therapist made a comment to me the other week. She said can some of these be because you are not use to a relationship like this. Is it because your ex still has a massive hold over you, you don’t believe someone can treat you the way you are meant to be treated, with love and respect.
But I know he supports me. He comes with me to therapy and sits in the waiting room until I’m done. He doesn’t drill me on what went on, he just waits for me to tell him. He understands the voices, he knows when they take over and it’s not actually me speaking. I am lucky to have found someone who loves me even if I don’t love myself.
Next post I will list some things on what do when you are in a relationship and you suffer from borderline personality disorder. It took a while for my partner and I to believe we could be in this together, okay maybe it was just me. But it can happen and I believe everyone deserves to be treated like the king or queen that they are