Do we have to be a little selfish when we are trying to recover? What happens when you suffer with abandonment issues? What happens when you get anxiety over the thought of someone not liking you. You get scared they will speak about you behind your back and bring others onto their wave length.
What if, when we are so deep and absorbed into our darkness we forget one thing. We forget that when we are putting that blade across our skin, when we are skipping that meal, putting our fingers down our throats or missing our medication on purpose we forget we are being selfish to ourselves. I mean there is no love to any of what we are doing to ourselves. But then is that being to hard on ourselves. Is that to harsh?
Someone close to me called me selfish the other day. Apparently, my whole life is selfish. Just sitting in my room not interacting with people. That comment hit me hard, I felt worthless and stupid, I relapsed on my self harm and cried for ages. So is calling what I do to myself selfish to harsh?
If we look at why I still do these things; mentally abused, raped, bullied; to name a few. Would you think I’m selfish to myself if these have been my coping mechanisms since I was younger?
I started writing this post a while ago. But I never finished it, I can never pinpoint why I never finished it. Maybe it’s because I didn’t want to admit yeah I am selfish. I mean the voices in my head tell me I am on many occasions. So why should I think differently. I guess I need to be reassured, reassured by my boyfriend, by my friends, by my therapist and CPN. But reassured on that I’m not selfish to other people. Yes I am selfish to myself. I don’t treat myself the way I should be treated. But in recovery I think you can be selfish to others; by this I mean leave the toxic people, leave your triggers. Because I believe if we don’t be a little selfish in that aspect we will continuously be selfish to ourselves.
We can all recover, but it takes time. We may always have borderline personality disorder but we can learn to handle it better. Being selfish for this doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you in control, it makes you put yourself first.