Mental mind block. That’s what I have been suffering with for the past 2 months. I have had ideas in my head but when I come to write it down on paper, on my phone or my laptop; nothing comes out.
During the summer I went to Scotland with my boyfriend. It was amazing! Scotland I love you! However not everything was fairy tale perfect. On one of the nights we went for fine dining (very fancy and very expensive!!) I had planned my outfit months prior to this night. I brought a new dress, I made sure I put no weight on so I would look good in pictures, I brought new makeup, new lashes, the lot. So when the night came and we left the apartment it happened.
I felt ugly. I felt ugly. I felt insecure. I felt exposed. I felt fat. I felt worthless. I felt I shouldn’t be in this dress. In the taxi I put a cardigan on and buttoned it to the top. I was crying, I didn’t want to be seen.
What a waste of time and money I spent on this dress so I could have the “perfect” night. By the time we got to the restaurant I had no make up left on my face, my lashes were in my bag and I just wanted to be in bed where no one could see me.
However, on one trip to the bathroom I looked in the mirror and thought; I should probably get a picture and show everyone how confident I am in this dress. But the picture is a lie. I undid my cardigan. Stood in a way that showed of the plunging neckline and hid the fact my eyes were rimmed with mascara from crying. This is the only picture I took that night. And when I was satisfied I got the picture I rubbed away the tears that were still falling, did my cardigan back up and walked back to the table.
When I got home I put the photo on social media. The caption did not mention how I really felt. The world would think I felt beautiful; I had the best fine dining experience I could have wished for. But as always don’t believe what you see on the internet. We lie, we put on a show of rainbows and stand tall when really the darkness is over us and our legs are about to crumble beneath us.
What I am trying to say is. We shouldn’t be jealous of others online; it’s not always true. We shouldn’t be ashamed of how we look. Below is the picture I posted. I am sad when I look at it. I ruined the night, I didn’t think I looked beautiful, I didn’t have control over the voices or my emotions.
Be safe, love yourselves