I hate my eating disorder. But I can still love it at the same time.
Crazy isn’t it, loving something so disgusting. The endorphins only last for a moment. But yet, you know it will be okay for them few moments when they are at their peak. But then the pain comes. The throat is sore, the head is aching and sharp pains can pierce the chest. And yet. You chase them endorphins which are actually not worth anything in the long run.
Bulimia is horrible. If someone tells you it’s amazing, they are lying. Here are some reasons why they are lying
- Unlike anorexia you won’t look like you have an eating disorder. You can put on weight from binging so much and not being able to get it all out. Therefore, the endless cycle of hating the reflection in the mirror continues
- Want to get rid of that meal you just ate while out with family/friends. Make sure you have gum and pray no acid reflex effects you when you get back to the table. Oh and forget about your makeup still looking perfect. That mascara and eyeliner is running down your face.
- Your skin won’t look great. It will be dry and you puffy cheeks are never in style.
- You will probably have sick on your clothes. How you going to explain that?
- You will have a voice in your head screaming at you. Telling you to get to a toilet and stick them fingers down your throat “fat girl”. Oh, but that voice is also the one who told you to keep eating that binge food.
- Where did your money go? Well it’s down the toilet.
- You want to wear that dress? Probably take a jacket or something to cover up. Because you know when you eventually step outside that door, your anxiety and self hatred will get the best of you and you will want to cover up.
- Your body will feel weak all the time, I did mention chest pains right? That poor heart is working double time.
- Your putting so much strain on your body it results in your insides becoming weak. Teeth enamel, organ failure – do I need to say anymore
- It can kill you. Simple fact. You can die!
I’m not going to lie. I am always nervous when the moment happens. When I get them chest pains, but it’s hard. It’s hard to stop. I’ve been asked why, even when I know the risks. Why do I relapse?
It sounds pathetic but I can’t answer that. I have been suffering with bulimia for years. I used to do it when I was in recovery for my anorexia; and never been able to let it go. But all I can do is keep trying. I have never been able to love my body. I can change my outfit ten times and still cry. It’s hard for someone without an eating disorder to understand that the hate you can feel for your body is strong. No matter what someone says. What you see is completely different to what they see.
To anyone suffering, you aren’t alone. To anyone thinking eating disorders are cool, they will make you happy. You are on a dangerous path, a path that not everyone is able to get off and a path that will lead you down a life of unhappiness and self hate.
Now you know I don’t end on misery. So here is my advice. Speak out. If you think yourself or someone you know is suffering with any sort of eating disorder. Don’t attack them. Don’t say “maybe you should just eat” “why don’t you just not put your fingers down your throat” “you don’t look like you have an eating disorder” “just stop eating”
Support them. Be there for them. And no matter what love them. If they don’t love themselves. Let them know, that someone does love them.
Be kind, stay safe