The curse of bulimia

I hate my eating disorder. But I can still love it at the same time.

Crazy isn’t it, loving something so disgusting. The endorphins only last for a moment. But yet, you know it will be okay for them few moments when they are at their peak. But then the pain comes. The throat is sore, the head is aching and sharp pains can pierce the chest. And yet. You chase them endorphins which are actually not worth anything in the long run.

Bulimia is horrible. If someone tells you it’s amazing, they are lying. Here are some reasons why they are lying

    Unlike anorexia you won’t look like you have an eating disorder. You can put on weight from binging so much and not being able to get it all out. Therefore, the endless cycle of hating the reflection in the mirror continues
    Want to get rid of that meal you just ate while out with family/friends. Make sure you have gum and pray no acid reflex effects you when you get back to the table. Oh and forget about your makeup still looking perfect. That mascara and eyeliner is running down your face.
    Your skin won’t look great. It will be dry and you puffy cheeks are never in style.
    You will probably have sick on your clothes. How you going to explain that?
    You will have a voice in your head screaming at you. Telling you to get to a toilet and stick them fingers down your throat “fat girl”. Oh, but that voice is also the one who told you to keep eating that binge food.
    Where did your money go? Well it’s down the toilet.
    You want to wear that dress? Probably take a jacket or something to cover up. Because you know when you eventually step outside that door, your anxiety and self hatred will get the best of you and you will want to cover up.
    Your body will feel weak all the time, I did mention chest pains right? That poor heart is working double time.
    Your putting so much strain on your body it results in your insides becoming weak. Teeth enamel, organ failure – do I need to say anymore
    It can kill you. Simple fact. You can die!

I’m not going to lie. I am always nervous when the moment happens. When I get them chest pains, but it’s hard. It’s hard to stop. I’ve been asked why, even when I know the risks. Why do I relapse?

It sounds pathetic but I can’t answer that. I have been suffering with bulimia for years. I used to do it when I was in recovery for my anorexia; and never been able to let it go. But all I can do is keep trying. I have never been able to love my body. I can change my outfit ten times and still cry. It’s hard for someone without an eating disorder to understand that the hate you can feel for your body is strong. No matter what someone says. What you see is completely different to what they see.

To anyone suffering, you aren’t alone. To anyone thinking eating disorders are cool, they will make you happy. You are on a dangerous path, a path that not everyone is able to get off and a path that will lead you down a life of unhappiness and self hate.

Now you know I don’t end on misery. So here is my advice. Speak out. If you think yourself or someone you know is suffering with any sort of eating disorder. Don’t attack them. Don’t say “maybe you should just eat” “why don’t you just not put your fingers down your throat” “you don’t look like you have an eating disorder” “just stop eating”

Support them. Be there for them. And no matter what love them. If they don’t love themselves. Let them know, that someone does love them.

Be kind, stay safe

LJ xoxo

Don’t let someone call you crazy

I wrote before about seeing and hearing things that aren’t there. And I guess it’s not easy for people to speak about because of the views other people may have. But I’ve spoken to amazing people, strong and still trying with every ounce in their souls people; who are suffering with borderline personality disorder and they have nearly all said they have hallucinations or hear voices. I want to try and put it out to people; that we aren’t crazy and we aren’t making it up. These things can be scary and can make you look at life differently.

I have always seen a man in my room. Long before the abuse and long before I knew what bpd was. I saw him when I was younger, when I was at uni and who knows how long I will continue to see him. I don’t know the mans features and I only guess it’s a man because well, the silhouette looks like a man. I call the man the black silhouette man. I know it’s not some amazing name. But I don’t want to give him a name. I don’t want to go hey Keith; cus sometimes he lunges at me and to be honest it freaks me out.

What are these hallucinations? I no longer question why I see them. Because I would drive myself crazy, wondering why. But yes; I’m seeing more. The most recent was when I was out and the place I was at had a door open. In the doorway I saw a girl just standing there as I walked past. It stopped me in my tracks. A girl shouldn’t be standing there, so I walked back and of course no one was there. I even sent a picture of the doorway she was standing in to my friend. I don’t know why, I guess I was freaked out at that point and wanted to speak to someone who also had hallucinations.

After that picture and speaking to a few others. I have been told about what they see. A few people have said they see a dark figure, another say they see a woman. I mean I guess I can see why some people could think it’s crazy. If you met someone and they just blurted out:

“Oh hey so I have voices in my head who speak to me and tell me to do things. Oh, also I have hallucinations where I see things and they aren’t real but they can feel very real”

It doesn’t sound like a super sane person does it. But you have to understand. Hallucinations are something someone with borderline personality disorder can suffer with. We can’t just stop listening, we can’t just stop seeing these things. What we can do though is learn to control them. Learn that these hallucinations aren’t going to hurt us, aren’t actually real; no matter how real they seem at the time.

If you suffer with voices and hallucinations. Don’t feel like you can’t speak about them. Don’t let others put you in this “crazy” category and make you think you should keep silent. There are people out there who will listen, who will understand and will help you remember you aren’t alone in this crazy rollercoaster life of borderline personality disorder.

Be safe, look after yourself

LJ xoxo

Photos don’t show confidence.

Mental mind block. That’s what I have been suffering with for the past 2 months. I have had ideas in my head but when I come to write it down on paper, on my phone or my laptop; nothing comes out.

During the summer I went to Scotland with my boyfriend. It was amazing! Scotland I love you! However not everything was fairy tale perfect. On one of the nights we went for fine dining (very fancy and very expensive!!) I had planned my outfit months prior to this night. I brought a new dress, I made sure I put no weight on so I would look good in pictures, I brought new makeup, new lashes, the lot. So when the night came and we left the apartment it happened.

I felt ugly. I felt ugly. I felt insecure. I felt exposed. I felt fat. I felt worthless. I felt I shouldn’t be in this dress. In the taxi I put a cardigan on and buttoned it to the top. I was crying, I didn’t want to be seen.

What a waste of time and money I spent on this dress so I could have the “perfect” night. By the time we got to the restaurant I had no make up left on my face, my lashes were in my bag and I just wanted to be in bed where no one could see me.

However, on one trip to the bathroom I looked in the mirror and thought; I should probably get a picture and show everyone how confident I am in this dress. But the picture is a lie. I undid my cardigan. Stood in a way that showed of the plunging neckline and hid the fact my eyes were rimmed with mascara from crying. This is the only picture I took that night. And when I was satisfied I got the picture I rubbed away the tears that were still falling, did my cardigan back up and walked back to the table.

When I got home I put the photo on social media. The caption did not mention how I really felt. The world would think I felt beautiful; I had the best fine dining experience I could have wished for. But as always don’t believe what you see on the internet. We lie, we put on a show of rainbows and stand tall when really the darkness is over us and our legs are about to crumble beneath us.

What I am trying to say is. We shouldn’t be jealous of others online; it’s not always true. We shouldn’t be ashamed of how we look. Below is the picture I posted. I am sad when I look at it. I ruined the night, I didn’t think I looked beautiful, I didn’t have control over the voices or my emotions.

Be safe, love yourselves

LJ. Xoxo

Letter to my younger self

Dear my younger self

I always imagine what I would say to you if I could look at you in the face. I think it’s cliché to say you are going to go through some tough times. But times are going to be tough, sorry innocent one.

You are going to take a razor blade to your skin and continue to do this into your 20’s. You are going to skip meal after meal; even stick fingers down your throat. Body dysmorphia will never make you love your body.

You are going to meet people that are going to hurt you in ways you only thought happened to people in books and films. When these people hurt you, you are not going to handle it well. I wish I could tell you why you think you deserve this to happen to you. I wish I could tell you the specific moment in our younger life made us feel like we deserve to be treated like nothing but garbage? When did we start seeing the darkness in life and the cup become half empty.

I’m sorry young innocent one; you are going to go through rape. No one teaches you how you cope, deal or be after this happens to you. No one tells you just because he says he loves you; doesn’t mean he won’t do it again. You are going to go through suicide attempts, hearing voices in your head and seeing things no one else can see.

It’s not going to be easy baby girl. On this day in 2019 you are still going to be going through the recovery stage. You are still going to be suffering and hurting. But you will have support round you. That innocent smile you once had, may never return. But smile you will again. Even if It’s for short moments; you will smile. You will find love like you read about and watched in the movies.

It sounds scary I know, but this is our life. This happens to us. But stay strong, know that you are still alive, you are still breathing. Know that although your mental illness will come on one day. Know that there are people who and will love us.

Be kind to yourself sometimes

LJ

Xoxo

Selfishness and mental health

Do we have to be a little selfish when we are trying to recover? What happens when you suffer with abandonment issues? What happens when you get anxiety over the thought of someone not liking you. You get scared they will speak about you behind your back and bring others onto their wave length.

What if, when we are so deep and absorbed into our darkness we forget one thing. We forget that when we are putting that blade across our skin, when we are skipping that meal, putting our fingers down our throats or missing our medication on purpose we forget we are being selfish to ourselves. I mean there is no love to any of what we are doing to ourselves. But then is that being to hard on ourselves. Is that to harsh?

Someone close to me called me selfish the other day. Apparently, my whole life is selfish. Just sitting in my room not interacting with people. That comment hit me hard, I felt worthless and stupid, I relapsed on my self harm and cried for ages. So is calling what I do to myself selfish to harsh?

If we look at why I still do these things; mentally abused, raped, bullied; to name a few. Would you think I’m selfish to myself if these have been my coping mechanisms since I was younger?

I started writing this post a while ago. But I never finished it, I can never pinpoint why I never finished it. Maybe it’s because I didn’t want to admit yeah I am selfish. I mean the voices in my head tell me I am on many occasions. So why should I think differently. I guess I need to be reassured, reassured by my boyfriend, by my friends, by my therapist and CPN. But reassured on that I’m not selfish to other people. Yes I am selfish to myself. I don’t treat myself the way I should be treated. But in recovery I think you can be selfish to others; by this I mean leave the toxic people, leave your triggers. Because I believe if we don’t be a little selfish in that aspect we will continuously be selfish to ourselves.

We can all recover, but it takes time. We may always have borderline personality disorder but we can learn to handle it better. Being selfish for this doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you in control, it makes you put yourself first.

LJ

Xoxo

A serious relationship and borderline personality disorder.

If you suffer with borderline personality disorder you will be well aware that unstable relationships are unfortunately involved in your life. To top it off, we usual end up sabotaging these relationships. It can be hard to get into serious relationships because of this. If you find the person that understands you mental illness then honestly don’t let them go.

I’ll let you in on my relationship and even though I love him, I still am nervous that eventually I’ll mess up, I’ll sabotage it, I’ll push him away. I know these are thoughts in my head but they can be/feel so strong a lot of the time I can’t cope with the stress of it.

Sabotage is the one I am most conscious of, however, I don’t notice I’ve done it until the words have come out my mouth or I have read over the text I just sent to him. I know my worst trait when it comes to this is, I constantly question/assume he will treat me like my abusive ex did if I do something my ex didn’t like. It’s horrible I know, I hate that my mind even puts this amazing man in the same thought of my ex.

Because I was raped by my ex I feel like I will push him away, because I didn’t even realise; I can go a long time without sex. I hate that, sex shouldn’t be a scary thing, it shouldn’t be something you have to get the courage to do, or be drunk to do it. I always think, what man would be in a serious relationship with someone who doesn’t want sex?

I always over think that he will eventually get annoyed with me because I am constantly putting myself down, comparing myself to others, telling him I’m not worthy, that I still want to die even though I have him. As I can’t regulate my emotions I can find it hard to understand others and I go straight to he is angry, he is sad, he is disappointed, he doesn’t love me anymore. Honestly half the time it is so hard. My therapist made a comment to me the other week. She said can some of these be because you are not use to a relationship like this. Is it because your ex still has a massive hold over you, you don’t believe someone can treat you the way you are meant to be treated, with love and respect.

But I know he supports me. He comes with me to therapy and sits in the waiting room until I’m done. He doesn’t drill me on what went on, he just waits for me to tell him. He understands the voices, he knows when they take over and it’s not actually me speaking. I am lucky to have found someone who loves me even if I don’t love myself.

Next post I will list some things on what do when you are in a relationship and you suffer from borderline personality disorder. It took a while for my partner and I to believe we could be in this together, okay maybe it was just me. But it can happen and I believe everyone deserves to be treated like the king or queen that they are

LJ

Xoxo

The hallucination that made me be afraid

I am exhausted. Everyday and every night I am either fighting to ignore the voices or act like I can’t see a blacked out figure who can move towards me. If I look away I see faces, animals all surrounded by a dimmed light. I have never been afraid, if I see the images, the voices can go silent for a while (honestly it’s a blessing, shouting in your head all day is not great).

However, the other night changed everything. I don’t feel safe anymore; but I can’t work out if I don’t feel safe from myself or from what I am seeing.

Let me explain!

So the other night my boyfriend and I were in bed. He was lying on the left side of the bed, myself on the right with my dog cuddled up to me in the middle of us. I was trying to avoid the figure standing by my door, when I looked up at my boyfriend and noticed his head was up and staring at me. At first I thought he had just woken up to see if I was okay, I mean I know he worries about me. Anyway, as I stared back at him. I noticed his eyes were black, he had such a weird smirk on his face, not to sound cliché it was on the verge on demonic. I even said what are you looking at. When he didn’t respond but was still staring at me, I reached my hand out, I was planning on tapping his face so he would stop staring. But when I went to do this my hand went through his face. So I sat up and properly looked at my boyfriend who was sound asleep.

It sounds like a scene that would happen in a horror doesn’t it. Honestly I can lie anymore I am afraid of my visions/hallucinations; whatever you want to call them. I’m wary of everything I see. Is it real? Is it not.

So yes I’m exhausted. And feel my medication is no longer helping. I’m getting annoyed with my mental health team lately. They are “fixated” on my improvements. But when I tell them I’m seeing things, the voices are getting louder. I just get told to take my meds because I have been able to go out, I have been coming to my meetings. I have been improving. Yes I have improved in some things. I can go out with my “safe” people but what about me seeing things? What about my voices getting louder? Should I just continue taking my medication and ignore it?

I know I have to fight, I have to make them see that this is a problem. But do you ever just feel like. What’s the point?, I’m to exhausted to keep trying. So many things come to mind. So I ask you my readers, have you experienced this with your mental health team. Do they fixate on one thing and ignore the others?

Remember you are not alone, if you see or hear things, never let anyone tell you that you are lying, you are attention seeking. Because they can be scary and make you feel alone. But you aren’t. Just remember that

LJ

Xoxoxo