Grief

Grief is hard for anyone. Mental illness or not; the pain of losing someone can stop time. It can make the strongest person crumble for days, months, years. It’s something just like mental illness people don’t like to talk about. Maybe it’s because it shows others we are vulnerable and being vulnerable gives the impression we can’t cope.

If you struggle and feel you can’t cope. That is nothing to be ashamed of. Grief is awful, losing someone is horrific. You can feel the blood flowing through your veins when you are told you have lost someone, that the person is not coming back. You can feel every beat your heart makes and then for a split second you go numb. Every memory you had with that person flashes through your mind, every good, funny, bad, sad, every memory comes forward. You feel the tears start to form in the corner of your eyes and to stop yourself from falling; you hug yourself. To stop yourself from falling apart, your arms cross over your body to support your now fragile self.

It’s known that there are 5 stages of grief. That’s right 5. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. You can continue to go back and forth through these stages and I think when we go back we feel there is never going to be acceptance. We are forever stuck in that dark place of never seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I never really remember the stages. But my grief experience from this one to the previous one has been different. Before I was at uni and would just go out everyday. I would block the pain with excessive amounts of alcohol. This time; I didn’t do that. I have no idea why. Was it better to do this? Did it mean I coped better? I don’t think so. I don’t think anyway of coping with grief is better than another. Everyone copes differently, everyone handles each grief episode they have to deal with within their life differently. And that’s okay, there is no time limit on when we should get to the acceptance stage.

Some people say they have never accepted their loss. They have never got to the last stage. They just learn to carry on, they learn to make it day by day. However, is this not acceptance in a minuscule way?

We can never get back the people we lose. But we can always keep memories alive. We can always remain proud that we knew the souls we are know grieving. We can forever keep them in our hearts. And I think that’s one way we can help our hearts mend.

I lost my grandad in October. I still cry, I still miss him but I will never let his presence be gone. He will forever be around me because of the memories and the love I have with/for him. If you are going through grief at the moment, know there is always someone out there that you can confide in. You can always reach out to someone if you are struggling. Never try and do the stages alone. Keep trinkets of the person your grieving for, keep them near you (I have my grandads favourite piece of art) but remember they may be gone physically but they will always be present spiritually and mentally.

Stay close to your love ones this Christmas period. Because every moment should be treasured for those bad days

Stay safe

LJ xoxox

Pressure and mental health

I don’t know if it is just me but I feel pressured to be better. Better mentally, better prepared for the future, just better in everything. Maybe it’s because while I’m in my recovery journey I have had some amazing things happen to me.

After being told by my abusive/rapist ex no one would ever want me if I left him. I have found someone who wants/loves me unconditionally. Someone that wants to spend their whole life with me (The picture at the end will show my good news).

Don’t get me wrong. I am over the moon, I am so happy, but because I’m happy does that mean I can’t show my down days anymore? Does that mean if I show my down days I look unappreciated? Does it look like I’m being selfish and mean to the people around me? Does it mean I am giving off the impression I don’t feel loved by my loved ones? There again lies the guilty feeling I get constantly of the pressure to feel better.

I guess this pressure to feel better can come in with the season. Christmas! The season of good will, the season to be merry. The season to be happy. I know a lot of people will feel pressure this season. But don’t let this make you feel bad. My advice would be to speak to people. Tell them that you are happy, you are grateful but you are still going to have bad days. But you should never be ashamed that you have bad days during this time of year. Let’s say your leg is in a cast; just because it’s the Christmas season does that mean your leg isn’t broken?

I wrote a blog post before about recovery not being linear and I still stand by that. When I really think about it. The only person/persons who have put pressure on me to feel better is me. Myself and my voices. The strong aura, the strong presence of them voices are so strong I put what they say into everyone I know. I may even imagine people around me telling me I have to be better; when in reality it’s all in my head. I have no idea if anyone else has this. Has this pressure on themselves to feel better because their recovery is taking to long, because they have had good news, because it is the Christmas period. But remember never feel pressured to feel better. Good days are allowed, you are allowed to smile. Just because you have a mental illness; never think you have to walk around with a sign over your head.

Enjoy the holidays, everyone deserves happiness, no matter how small. And remember don’t put pressure on yourself, take each day as it comes and surround yourself with people that understand, that care and that you trust

Stay safe this holiday

LJ

Xoxo

The curse of bulimia

I hate my eating disorder. But I can still love it at the same time.

Crazy isn’t it, loving something so disgusting. The endorphins only last for a moment. But yet, you know it will be okay for them few moments when they are at their peak. But then the pain comes. The throat is sore, the head is aching and sharp pains can pierce the chest. And yet. You chase them endorphins which are actually not worth anything in the long run.

Bulimia is horrible. If someone tells you it’s amazing, they are lying. Here are some reasons why they are lying

    Unlike anorexia you won’t look like you have an eating disorder. You can put on weight from binging so much and not being able to get it all out. Therefore, the endless cycle of hating the reflection in the mirror continues
    Want to get rid of that meal you just ate while out with family/friends. Make sure you have gum and pray no acid reflex effects you when you get back to the table. Oh and forget about your makeup still looking perfect. That mascara and eyeliner is running down your face.
    Your skin won’t look great. It will be dry and you puffy cheeks are never in style.
    You will probably have sick on your clothes. How you going to explain that?
    You will have a voice in your head screaming at you. Telling you to get to a toilet and stick them fingers down your throat “fat girl”. Oh, but that voice is also the one who told you to keep eating that binge food.
    Where did your money go? Well it’s down the toilet.
    You want to wear that dress? Probably take a jacket or something to cover up. Because you know when you eventually step outside that door, your anxiety and self hatred will get the best of you and you will want to cover up.
    Your body will feel weak all the time, I did mention chest pains right? That poor heart is working double time.
    Your putting so much strain on your body it results in your insides becoming weak. Teeth enamel, organ failure – do I need to say anymore
    It can kill you. Simple fact. You can die!

I’m not going to lie. I am always nervous when the moment happens. When I get them chest pains, but it’s hard. It’s hard to stop. I’ve been asked why, even when I know the risks. Why do I relapse?

It sounds pathetic but I can’t answer that. I have been suffering with bulimia for years. I used to do it when I was in recovery for my anorexia; and never been able to let it go. But all I can do is keep trying. I have never been able to love my body. I can change my outfit ten times and still cry. It’s hard for someone without an eating disorder to understand that the hate you can feel for your body is strong. No matter what someone says. What you see is completely different to what they see.

To anyone suffering, you aren’t alone. To anyone thinking eating disorders are cool, they will make you happy. You are on a dangerous path, a path that not everyone is able to get off and a path that will lead you down a life of unhappiness and self hate.

Now you know I don’t end on misery. So here is my advice. Speak out. If you think yourself or someone you know is suffering with any sort of eating disorder. Don’t attack them. Don’t say “maybe you should just eat” “why don’t you just not put your fingers down your throat” “you don’t look like you have an eating disorder” “just stop eating”

Support them. Be there for them. And no matter what love them. If they don’t love themselves. Let them know, that someone does love them.

Be kind, stay safe

LJ xoxo

Don’t let someone call you crazy

I wrote before about seeing and hearing things that aren’t there. And I guess it’s not easy for people to speak about because of the views other people may have. But I’ve spoken to amazing people, strong and still trying with every ounce in their souls people; who are suffering with borderline personality disorder and they have nearly all said they have hallucinations or hear voices. I want to try and put it out to people; that we aren’t crazy and we aren’t making it up. These things can be scary and can make you look at life differently.

I have always seen a man in my room. Long before the abuse and long before I knew what bpd was. I saw him when I was younger, when I was at uni and who knows how long I will continue to see him. I don’t know the mans features and I only guess it’s a man because well, the silhouette looks like a man. I call the man the black silhouette man. I know it’s not some amazing name. But I don’t want to give him a name. I don’t want to go hey Keith; cus sometimes he lunges at me and to be honest it freaks me out.

What are these hallucinations? I no longer question why I see them. Because I would drive myself crazy, wondering why. But yes; I’m seeing more. The most recent was when I was out and the place I was at had a door open. In the doorway I saw a girl just standing there as I walked past. It stopped me in my tracks. A girl shouldn’t be standing there, so I walked back and of course no one was there. I even sent a picture of the doorway she was standing in to my friend. I don’t know why, I guess I was freaked out at that point and wanted to speak to someone who also had hallucinations.

After that picture and speaking to a few others. I have been told about what they see. A few people have said they see a dark figure, another say they see a woman. I mean I guess I can see why some people could think it’s crazy. If you met someone and they just blurted out:

“Oh hey so I have voices in my head who speak to me and tell me to do things. Oh, also I have hallucinations where I see things and they aren’t real but they can feel very real”

It doesn’t sound like a super sane person does it. But you have to understand. Hallucinations are something someone with borderline personality disorder can suffer with. We can’t just stop listening, we can’t just stop seeing these things. What we can do though is learn to control them. Learn that these hallucinations aren’t going to hurt us, aren’t actually real; no matter how real they seem at the time.

If you suffer with voices and hallucinations. Don’t feel like you can’t speak about them. Don’t let others put you in this “crazy” category and make you think you should keep silent. There are people out there who will listen, who will understand and will help you remember you aren’t alone in this crazy rollercoaster life of borderline personality disorder.

Be safe, look after yourself

LJ xoxo

Photos don’t show confidence.

Mental mind block. That’s what I have been suffering with for the past 2 months. I have had ideas in my head but when I come to write it down on paper, on my phone or my laptop; nothing comes out.

During the summer I went to Scotland with my boyfriend. It was amazing! Scotland I love you! However not everything was fairy tale perfect. On one of the nights we went for fine dining (very fancy and very expensive!!) I had planned my outfit months prior to this night. I brought a new dress, I made sure I put no weight on so I would look good in pictures, I brought new makeup, new lashes, the lot. So when the night came and we left the apartment it happened.

I felt ugly. I felt ugly. I felt insecure. I felt exposed. I felt fat. I felt worthless. I felt I shouldn’t be in this dress. In the taxi I put a cardigan on and buttoned it to the top. I was crying, I didn’t want to be seen.

What a waste of time and money I spent on this dress so I could have the “perfect” night. By the time we got to the restaurant I had no make up left on my face, my lashes were in my bag and I just wanted to be in bed where no one could see me.

However, on one trip to the bathroom I looked in the mirror and thought; I should probably get a picture and show everyone how confident I am in this dress. But the picture is a lie. I undid my cardigan. Stood in a way that showed of the plunging neckline and hid the fact my eyes were rimmed with mascara from crying. This is the only picture I took that night. And when I was satisfied I got the picture I rubbed away the tears that were still falling, did my cardigan back up and walked back to the table.

When I got home I put the photo on social media. The caption did not mention how I really felt. The world would think I felt beautiful; I had the best fine dining experience I could have wished for. But as always don’t believe what you see on the internet. We lie, we put on a show of rainbows and stand tall when really the darkness is over us and our legs are about to crumble beneath us.

What I am trying to say is. We shouldn’t be jealous of others online; it’s not always true. We shouldn’t be ashamed of how we look. Below is the picture I posted. I am sad when I look at it. I ruined the night, I didn’t think I looked beautiful, I didn’t have control over the voices or my emotions.

Be safe, love yourselves

LJ. Xoxo

Letter to my younger self

Dear my younger self

I always imagine what I would say to you if I could look at you in the face. I think it’s cliché to say you are going to go through some tough times. But times are going to be tough, sorry innocent one.

You are going to take a razor blade to your skin and continue to do this into your 20’s. You are going to skip meal after meal; even stick fingers down your throat. Body dysmorphia will never make you love your body.

You are going to meet people that are going to hurt you in ways you only thought happened to people in books and films. When these people hurt you, you are not going to handle it well. I wish I could tell you why you think you deserve this to happen to you. I wish I could tell you the specific moment in our younger life made us feel like we deserve to be treated like nothing but garbage? When did we start seeing the darkness in life and the cup become half empty.

I’m sorry young innocent one; you are going to go through rape. No one teaches you how you cope, deal or be after this happens to you. No one tells you just because he says he loves you; doesn’t mean he won’t do it again. You are going to go through suicide attempts, hearing voices in your head and seeing things no one else can see.

It’s not going to be easy baby girl. On this day in 2019 you are still going to be going through the recovery stage. You are still going to be suffering and hurting. But you will have support round you. That innocent smile you once had, may never return. But smile you will again. Even if It’s for short moments; you will smile. You will find love like you read about and watched in the movies.

It sounds scary I know, but this is our life. This happens to us. But stay strong, know that you are still alive, you are still breathing. Know that although your mental illness will come on one day. Know that there are people who and will love us.

Be kind to yourself sometimes

LJ

Xoxo

Selfishness and mental health

Do we have to be a little selfish when we are trying to recover? What happens when you suffer with abandonment issues? What happens when you get anxiety over the thought of someone not liking you. You get scared they will speak about you behind your back and bring others onto their wave length.

What if, when we are so deep and absorbed into our darkness we forget one thing. We forget that when we are putting that blade across our skin, when we are skipping that meal, putting our fingers down our throats or missing our medication on purpose we forget we are being selfish to ourselves. I mean there is no love to any of what we are doing to ourselves. But then is that being to hard on ourselves. Is that to harsh?

Someone close to me called me selfish the other day. Apparently, my whole life is selfish. Just sitting in my room not interacting with people. That comment hit me hard, I felt worthless and stupid, I relapsed on my self harm and cried for ages. So is calling what I do to myself selfish to harsh?

If we look at why I still do these things; mentally abused, raped, bullied; to name a few. Would you think I’m selfish to myself if these have been my coping mechanisms since I was younger?

I started writing this post a while ago. But I never finished it, I can never pinpoint why I never finished it. Maybe it’s because I didn’t want to admit yeah I am selfish. I mean the voices in my head tell me I am on many occasions. So why should I think differently. I guess I need to be reassured, reassured by my boyfriend, by my friends, by my therapist and CPN. But reassured on that I’m not selfish to other people. Yes I am selfish to myself. I don’t treat myself the way I should be treated. But in recovery I think you can be selfish to others; by this I mean leave the toxic people, leave your triggers. Because I believe if we don’t be a little selfish in that aspect we will continuously be selfish to ourselves.

We can all recover, but it takes time. We may always have borderline personality disorder but we can learn to handle it better. Being selfish for this doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you in control, it makes you put yourself first.

LJ

Xoxo